I wanted to see if I could write an entire column, other than this header and a conclusion, using words, word substitutions, phrases, names and subjects that I will never write (about), except this one time.
It’s not as easy as it sounds because I greatly appreciate the availability of words, mixed with ideas – so exempting some, banishing others, takes a lot of – something. Resolve? Courage? Perspicacity? Discernment? Discrimination (in the best sense of that word)? Or maybe I just need to get a life?
So here we go: Get a life. It is what it is. No problem. Back in the day. We need the moisture. Touch base. Whatever.
Awesome. Like (when used, like, extra-grammatically). Enjoy (when used as a one-word directive: “Here’s my column. Enjoy!”).
Tweet. LOL. OMG. USC (the school; I despise the place). NRA.
Barack Obama. Mitt Romney. Frank McNulty (ugh). Joe Arpaio. Gloria Allred.
Fred Phelps. Sacha Baron Cohen.
The King of Pop. The Queen of Soul. OK: The Duke of Earl.
Ben and Jerry are safe, but NONE of their flavors is. “Rocky Road-ish.” Please. Delish. EVOO. Fridge. Veggies.
Lunchables. Snickerdoodles. Doodlebops. Sweet’N Low. Linens ’n Things. Hot ’n Juicy (Wendy’s). Sassy ’n Inarticulate. I made that up. Anything with ’n for a middle name.
North Korea. Kim Jong Un. Camp No. 15 (Yodok).
Homophobia (see: North Carolina). Xenophobia (see: Arizona). Whaling. Grinds. Bullfights. Running of the Bulls. Dogfights. Cockfights. Fights (including: boxing, gangs, National Basketball Association).
Caucasian. African-American. Branson, Mo. Rap. Hip-hop. Light jazz.
Potpourri. Cornucopia. Debutante. Caramelization. Camembert. Groovy. Pus. Zit. Armoire. Duvet. Ikea.
“Bachelorette.” “Dancing With the Stars.” “American Idol.” “Bowling For Towels.” “Toddlers & Tiaras.” “Cupcake Wars.” “Toddlers & Tiaras” takes the cake for most egregious TV show ever.
Takes the cake. Egregious. Arguably: “Warren Spahn was arguably the best left-handed pitcher in baseball history.” “Arguably” allows the speaker to hide behind something. I’m saying it now: “Spahn was the best.”
There are words that I care for very much, but I can’t spell them. Sycophant. Asymptotic. Schedule.
“Who dat?” Metta World Peace. Chad Ochocinco. Anyone named La La. The Captain and Tennille.
Arm candy. Trophy wives. Cougars. Botox. Wonder Bras.
Dachshunds, yes. “Weenie” dogs, never. Cockapoos. S’Mores. Wine spritzers.
Mojitos. Fajitas. Tex-Mex. Surf ’n Turf (I told you). Lewis and Floorwax.
TMZ. MTV. IRS. BCS. CSI. OJ.
Now that’s a lot. I hope there is enough left to write about. There are many other things I won’t write about simply because they are inappropriate. I have no particular interest in rocking the boat. I have some opinions that are far stronger than belong in a suburban weekly, that typically serves family-oriented communities. This is not the Antioch College newspaper, or the “Onion.”
There’s an old entertainer’s rule: “Know your audience.” I think I know my audience, but it’s not entirely my tribe. There is something called “confirmation bias” which “is a tendency of people to favor information that confirms their beliefs or hypotheses.” I am such a misfit that I would have no chance in trying to provide information and points of view that might be the majority’s points of view.
For example, I humbug all holidays, all of them, except Veterans Day. I open doors for women AND men. I am not afraid of clowns: I am afraid of the Ice Capades. I am androgynous (“Does that mean you’re gay?” one short-term girlfriend asked. “Yes,” I said) – and wear pink and use pink in my paintings and it has nothing to do with Breast Cancer Awareness.
I don’t have an open mind, and I don’t think I need one. William Blake said he didn’t have one either. If he did, he said, his brain would fall out.
He also said, “If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.” I have no idea what that means, but Jim Morrison must have. The dude named his group from it.
Craig Marshall Smith is an artist, educator and Highlands Ranch resident. He can be reached at craigmarshallsmith@comcast.net