Low speed chase
CONIFER – Mom and Dad knew that Daughter smoked a little weed now and then, but when Daughter absently left her backpack in the garage, and Mom found two little plastic bags of “white powder” tucked into a side pocket, they decided to draw the, er, line. Daughter was furious that Mom had violated the sanctity of her backpack, of course, and was positively foaming to find out they’d flushed her stash down the commode, but she flatly refused to identify the white powder and, when pressed, stormed out of the house and took off down the street on foot. Mom and Dad called JCSO, asking only that officers return Daughter to their keeping — which was easy enough since she’d only made it about a hundred yards in more than 20 minutes of trying — and advise them regarding Jeffco drug intervention resources. Deputies gave them the 411 and 86ed the case.
Not with a bang…
EVERGREEN – In what can only be called a spectacular waste of spectacle, a woman stopped by the JCSO mountain substation on the afternoon of Feb. 17 to drop off “a pile of assorted boxes and tubs” containing “an assortment of firecrackers, bottle rockets and mortars.” Her late husband spent “15 to 20 years” collecting the combustible cache, she explained to deputies, but with his passing she didn’t feel like supervising the scintillant stockpile solo. Their duty sad but clear, officer accepted the glorious agglomeration, and within the black depths of the JCSO incinerator ignited, the most fabulous fireworks display that nobody ever saw.
Ex-posed
EVERGREEN – Boyfriend and Girlfriend were celebrating their eternal commitment to each other by drinking a lot. When Girlfriend took a moment to freshen up, Boyfriend decided to celebrate the bonds of absolute trust and honesty that bound them together by snooping through her cell phone and turning up a big stack of steaming texts she’d been exchanging with her ex. Boyfriend ordered Girlfriend from his house, and his life, forthwith. Girlfriend threatened to drive away from their timeless union. Boyfriend called 911 to inform JCSO of Girlfriend’s threat. Arriving deputies found Girlfriend outside, drunk but on foot. Girlfriend said she wasn’t really planning to drive drunk, but said she couldn’t find anybody free to come and lift her out of the ashes of a love that was. While officers couldn’t mend a shattered relationship, or make whole two hearts cruelly broken, they could, and did, give Girlfriend a ride to the nearest hotel.
Dinner theater
EVERGREEN – The 911 call came in at precisely 8:26 p.m., but the caller disconnected without a word. Per policy, the dispatcher called the number back. It was answered immediately, and just as quickly disconnected again, but not before the dispatcher heard “screaming in the background.” An officer sent to investigate quickly made acquaintance with Lucy and Desi, newlyweds of three months for whom the honeymoon was well and truly over. Desi told deputies he and his lovely bride had no sooner sat down to supper when Lucy started “arguing” with him. “Don’t yell,” Desi told Lucy, which only made her want to “argue some more.” Suspecting that Lucy’s liking for liquor was behind her antagonistic table etiquette, Desi began calmly pouring out all of the hooch in the house, which is when Lucy began screaming and dialing. “She just gets her feelings hurt and calls you guys,” Desi explained. When Lucy more or less confirmed the details of Desi’s declamation, deputies called it quits and left the lovebirds alone in their non-alcoholic nest.
Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.