Wrongway Feldman
CONIFER — ‘Twas the wee hours of a chill February morning when JCSO dispatch received word of a vehicle with Michigan plates heading south in Highway 285’s northbound lanes. Deputies had no difficulty locating the contrary Kia, which responded quickly to lights and siren and pulled to a stop with half the car on the shoulder and half in the traffic lane. Greeted by deputies, the friendly Wolverine assured them she’d just “dropped off some friends” and would be out of their hair directly. Based on her poor driving perfomance, bloodshot eyes and slurred speech, deputies assured Kia that she wouldn’t. “I’m in trouble,” moaned the suddenly melancholy motorist. “I’m a teacher and I’m drunk and it’s my fault.” Apparently resigned to a night in detox, Kia admitted that she’d been attending a Superbowl party where she’d tackled “maybe three” fortified beverages. Asked if she knew why she’d been pulled over, she said she did not, and further admitted that she had no clear idea where she was on the map of Colorado. Asked if she’d be willing to perform a few roadside maneuvers, Kia shrugged. “I kind of feel like I have to.” She failed them, of course, and was relocated to the southbound lanes for transport to Golden.
Flick nicked
EVERGREEN — JCSO doesn’t normally handle creative property cases, but deputies were willing to listen. The complainant said he’d placed his Netflix copy of “Wanderlust” in the mailbox the day before, raising the little red flag to alert his letter carrier to the outgoing article. The following afternoon, however, he’d found a note from his letter carrier in the box wondering why he’d raised the little red flag. The complainant assumed the film had been filched, and feared lest Netflix charge him for the disappearing disc. As to suspects, he could only say that and he’d seen an unfamiliar “older model” Jeep Cherokee lurking around the neighborhood. Deputies took his statement, filed a report, and brought the case to a not-very-dramatic conclusion.
Hot pocket
EVERGREEN — After enjoying a good book, a piquant repast and a couple of margaritas at a table for one on the evening of Jan. 20, the woman asked to use the telephone at the hostess station to “call for a ride.” Not long after, the hostess called JCSO to report that the stranded diner had left with her car keys, a small plastic donation box, and an unpaid supper tab. Restaurant surveillance footage clearly showed the woman placing her coat on the counter atop the keys and charitable receptacle before using the phone, and just as clearly showed the counter clean after she finished her call and “swept” the coat “awkwardly” back into her arms and hustled out the door. Officers were able to track down Dame Dine-and-dash at a nearby store where she immediately denied the accusation. She couldn’t deny the several and sundry arrest warrants dogging her steps, though, and after arresting her on charges outstanding deputies inventoried her person. In her coat pocket they found a small container of powdered methamphetamine and “glass pipe” which she insisted were not hers and must have already been there when she bought the coat at a “thrift store” a while back. Deputies found no sign of the hostess’s keys or the plastic donation box, but this did find a considerable trove of small rumpled bills, such as might be donated by departing diners. Officers gave her a lift to the county lockup, along with the firm admonishment that the restaurant no longer craved her custom.
Served cold
EVERGREEN — By way of context, the mailman told deputies he’s been having “on-going issues” with the North Evergreen resident since at least 2019. On the frigid afternoon of Jan. 31, the issue at hand was Resident standing in his driveway “screaming” at Mailman. By way of explanation, Mailman told deputies he’d delivered a package to one of Resident’s neighbors and, in attempting to navigate a snowy course back to the road, he’d lost track of the buried driveway and become stuck in Resident’s yard, precipitating a blizzard of abuse from Resident. For his part, Resident said that Mailman “has a grudge against me” and “drove into my yard as revenge.” Revenge for what, precisely, deputies didn’t ask, but they did tell Resident that if he had beef with Mailman he should take it up with duly constituted postal authorities.
Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.