Worlds collide
PINE JUNCTION — At precisely 7:58 p.m. on Oct. 26, roommates Laverne and Shirley each dialed 911 to complain about the other. Shirley told responding deputies that Laverne was “relentlessly mean.” Shirley said that Laverne was also her boss at work, and that Laverne’s been giving her the business about “rent money.” Shirley complained that when she’d confronted Laverne about pulling the plug on the Wi-Fi connection, Laverne “pushed me down the stairs!” Shirley added that she was moving out of Mean Manor within the week, and as a short-timer she didn’t want to press charges against her supervisor. Laverne, who seems to have called the cops as a purely pre-emptive measure, had nothing useful to add to the official narrative. Officers advised the roommates/co-workers to “avoid contact” as much as possible until moving day.

Earth in the balance
PINE — When they got the call on the night of Oct. 26, the patrolmen knew the way to Pete and Penelope Pine’s place by heart. The Pines have been at odds with their neighbor, Doug Furr, for months and, as predicted, the couple complained that Furr had trespassed on their property. In a new wrinkle on old grievances, the Pines said they had the surveillance footage to prove it. There on the screen, deputies could discern Furr “raking rocks and dirt” near the Pines’ property line. The Pines were pleased to point out particular points on the tape where Furr’s “rake and his person,” variously and “unambiguously,” crossed that line, meaning that “some of the rocks and dirt” that Furr was raking “belong to us.” The officers felt obliged to advise that the nearest property markers weren’t very near at all, making it difficult to eyeball the boundary with absolute certainty. The Pines weren’t persuaded, so the deputies went next door to get Furr’s slant on the situation. Furr explained that his efforts had been honorable, and he showed the officers where he’d dug a small ditch and installed a drain pipe, measures that deputies deemed to be genuine and reasonable attempts to improve drainage. Even so, it appeared likely that Furr had forayed a tad too far afield in his labors, and officers cited him for trespassing.

Mixed messages
EVERGREEN — It was fun at first. An old friend called Nervous Nellie “out of the blue” and the two long-parted pals spent a pleasant half-hour catching up. Old Friend asked after Nellie’s children. Nellie proudly said they’d be starting middle school soon. Old Friend remarked that her own children had enjoyed their time in a charter middle school and suggested that Nellie enroll them there. Nellie thanked Old Friend for the tip, and, after a few more turns around Memory Lane, they both hung up happy. After mulling a couple of days, however, Nellie started wondering why her on-again acquaintance was so interested in where her kids went to school, and began to fear lest Old Friend was really a stone-cold fiend. Nellie would awaken in the night, bathed in sweat, playing that seemingly innocent conversation over and over in her head, perceiving hidden menace in every supposedly innocuous comment. Sleepless and freaked, she at last could contain her growing alarm no longer and reported the phone call to JCSO. Deputies promised to look into it. Nellie begged them not to. “I would be mortified if (Old Friend) found out I called the sheriff’s office.” Nellie felt much better after officers promised not to do anything about her concerns.

Warn’t no revenooers
EVERGREEN — Ma and Pa wuz rousted at about 4:30 a.m. by a wham-bang ruckus that wuz a-goin’ on in their front yard and givin’ their coon-hounds the barking fits. Spyin’ out the winder, they seen the taillights of an SUV going t’other way, but ever’thing else looked right ‘n’ proper. Come mornin’, though, when they wuz fixin’ to git down the holler, they’d seen what wuz a-missin’ and howled for hep’. ‘Pears some sack o’ snakes skedaddled with the six-foot, hunnert-pound copper still what wuz planted on the lawn. Pa said the purty passel o’ pipes wuz more fer ‘preciatin’ than distillatin’, but he and Ma wanted it back, just the same. The depiddy said he’d try and plug the polecats down t’the recyclatin’ fact’ry.