Calling card
CONIFER — Bolting awake at 1:30 a.m. on Oct. 28 with the panicky shriek of his car alarm ringing in his ears, he grabbed a flashlight and rushed outside in his jam-jams expecting the worst. Except for the warbling wail of his automotive alert system, the night and neighborhood seemed quiet. Recent rain had rendered his dirt driveway a perfect palette for pedal impressions, but no footprints were discernible in the muddy mire. Observing that his vehicle was uniformly covered with a smooth, unbroken layer of dust, he deemed it untouched by malicious mitts. He was on the point of concluding his investigation when his discerning eye caught a flash of color in the mud at his slippered feet. It was a Centennial Bank & Trust Visa debit card bearing a name both unfamiliar and not his own. Finding nothing criminally amiss at the residence, a deputy summoned to the scene advised him to call JSCO if anything else untoward occurs before depositing the derelict debit card in the department’s found-property vault.
Punch and beauty
KITTREDGE — As they often do of a weekend evening, Boyfriend and Roomie went to the bar. As he often does at the bar, Roomie got into a drunken fistfight. As Boyfriend and Roomie often do after Roomie gets into a drunken fistfight at the bar, they staggered home to continue their carousals in the more economical environment of their living room. Upon finding Girlfriend fast asleep in bed, Boyfriend announced their return by “turning on the light and kicking the mattress.” Not interested in joining the party, Girlfriend “asked” Boyfriend to “shut off the light and shut the door.” Displeased that Girlfriend’s unsociable attitude was harshing his buzz, Roomie encouraged her to less critical speech. “Shut the (Frangelico) up!” counseled Roomie. Boyfriend and Roomie started arguing about which of them was the less responsible drinker. Girlfriend started recording the argument on her cell phone and threatening to call JCSO. Perhaps concerned about copyright infringements, Roomie knocked the phone out of Girlfriend’s hand. Finding her phone hand free, Girlfriend used it to “slap” Roomie’s previously-pounded self. Arriving at party central, deputies recommended that either Girlfriend or Roomie leave for the night before they squabbled their way into matching harassment citations. Girlfriend did the honors, allowing Boyfriend and Roomie to resume their regularly-scheduled weekend wassail.
Chanse encounter
EVERGREEN — Tristan was getting weird texts from someone identified only as “Big D,” who seemed to know far too much about his and girlfriend Isolde’s daily doings. “LOL trucks all locked,” Big D texted. “LOL and your in your back yard,” and “LOL Be seeing you.” Tristan’s concern clicked up a notch on Nov. 3 when he observed that somebody had entered his car during the night, and it ramped up to maximum when Big D started sending texts intimating that one of his “friends” would be a more attentive companion to Isolde than Tristan was. Tristan called JCSO after recalling that Isolde had earlier received a short string of texts from a presumed friend of Big D identified only as “Chanse,” who assured her that he could out-boyfriend Tristan with one hand tied behind his back. Unable to determine either Big D’s or Chanse’s true identities, deputies advised that Tristan and Isolde block those numbers and contact the department if the pestersome dispatches persist.
No holding back
EVERGREEN — Heading out of town for a couple of weeks, Patty Postal Patron asked USPS to hold her mail. Returning on Oct. 23, she discovered that mail had continued to pour into her unattended box, and that virtually none of it was still there when she got home. Particularly worrisome, Patty told deputies, were the suspected thefts of her mail-in election ballot and a tax refund check. Deputies instructed Patty to contact the county clerk about the ballot, the IRS about the check, and the post office about the meaning of “hold.”