Inheriting the stories and euphemisms of your parents is a proud, time-honored tradition.
And, over time, these tales are altered and recrafted to modernize them for the newest generation.
For example, my dad told me of the travails of using an outhouse as a boy. I regale my children with stories of when public toilets didn’t actually flush on their own, forcing you to wrap your hand in toilet paper like a bandage and actually touch the handle. And some day my children will tell their children of long-ago days when you couldn’t digitally command the toilet to spring up out of their floor at a moment’s notice, effectively ending the need for restrooms as we know them and for commercials.
My favorite phrase, as a child and to this day, is “I don’t know.” When I would say this, my Dad would say “Well, you better be for finding out.” I’d like to think it sparked my interest in journalism – the need “to be for finding out.”
Another favorite line, shared by my parents and maybe by your own, was “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” I’ve always liked that one because I always truly believed there would be a day when I could prove them wrong. Alas, the federal government has yet to find a way to make money grow on trees and if they find you growing it in your basement, along with pot, they tend to drag you away to jail.
With my kids, the phrase has grown, so to speak. I tell my kids nothing grows on trees. Let’s recap some of the things I have informed my kids don’t grow on trees.
* Milk does not grow on trees. As a product that mysteriously shows up in grocery stores, like Oreo cookies. This could have been a common misconception.
* Cars don’t grow on trees. This should be obvious because, if this was the case, there’d be a sharp-dressed man underneath saying something like “You’re driving out of here in something today, either this car or this tree.”
* Clothes don’t grow on trees. Yes, clothes can be hung on trees, but they lack the photosynthetic ability to actually grow on the tree. If this were not the case, there would be no reason for parents to go to clothing stories and buy more clothes. It’s a great idea but, unfortunately, not true.
* Kids do not grow on trees. Kids, babies actually, grow in mommy’s tummy. We have not gotten into how they really get there. This is a conversation we’ll save until the nights before our children’s weddings. But, suffice to say, if you were caught doing to a tree what is necessary to create a baby, you would be arrested or you’re an environmentalist.
* Houses don’t grow on trees. This is another confusing one, especially since houses are Colorado’s No. 1 cover crop. Empty piece of land? Put up a house. No one to buy it? No worries. Tear it down. Build a newer, better house.
* Pretzels don’t grow on trees. This may seem like an odd one but I love pretzels and seeing my children haphazardly spill them on the floor and then be gobbled up by the dog? It’s unnerving to say the least. I’ve tried to impress upon my children that pretzels – the delicious, soft gourmet kind served in malls or the crunchy ones that go with beer – most certainly don’t grow on trees.
* Toilet paper does not grow on trees. “Yes, honey, I know there is toilet paper in tree.” “But how did it get there?” “Well, honey, that toilet paper was put there by some teenagers whose parents are wandering around, pants half down, through their home right now trying to find it or even a smooth-looking IRS document.” Enough said.
To the environmentalist – you can’t still possibly be reading this after the tree-humping comment – it may seem like I devalued trees. Yes, items do grow on trees including a number of different fruits (except pineapple) and leaves.
But, in this day and age of expecting more and more from everything, it’s important to know the limitations. I hope, in addition to my children, you feel educated.
After all, columns like this don’t grow on trees.