If you’ve ever read any of my newspaper columns, you know that
my favorite therapeutic intervention for all types of young people
and their families is collaborative problem solving. Although the
collaborative problem solving approach was initially developed to
address the out-of-control behaviors of children with bipolar
disorder, it quickly became evident that many concepts applied to
everyone, child and adult alike.
Indeed, I am regularly reminded of one of the foundational
tenets of the collaborative problem solving model, and that
reminder seems to enrich my interactions in every aspect of life.
Simply stated, the concept acknowledges that every child, or
person, in a more general sense, wants to do well in life. I go so
far as to argue that no one ever wakes up in the morning with the
goal of angering everyone they meet and failing at everything they
try. Although it may seem like my assertion is extreme, its
validity is reinforced in daily communications with a wide variety
of people.
The ones who seem to have negative goals of ticking everyone off
have probably given up on some level. Their positive intentions
have become buried under layers of grungy sediment, built up from
consistently negative experiences and interactions with people who
assume the worst about them. I have found that, if we’re willing to
dig deep enough, every person starts out with positive intent. If
we are truly invested in improved communication, enhanced
problem-solving, and more effective human interactions, we must
find the positive intent that lies within others and acknowledge
it.
I know a young man who is gifted at convincing others, mostly
adults in the education system, that he’s a “bad kid.” Even though
he does an excellent job of proving otherwise, I guarantee that he
started out with positive intentions. I like to picture him on his
first day of school many years ago, nervous and excited at the same
time. I wonder what messages he started receiving on that first day
when he didn’t quite “fit in” with his peers. Maybe he didn’t play,
work, or communicate like other kids his age. Perhaps he was
extremely hyper or had a non-typical learning style.
I wonder how those messages were reinforced over the years by
adults who were supposed to use their advanced life experience to
help identify and resolve problems. I only know that, after a
couple years of school, this particular young man was labelled as
“retarded” and “unteachable” in official paperwork. I also know
that these terms were used to describe him to his face — and,
possibly, in front of his peers. It wasn’t until a few years later
that someone discovered this young man had dyslexia. But the damage
had been done, and to this day, the kid does everything in his
power to prove he’s not teachable.
I figure, at this point, it’s a whole lot easier for him to
pre-emptively fit the mold as a “bad kid” than to give things his
absolute best efforts and fail. Failing and proving the negative
voices in your life correct is extremely scary, whereas playing the
“bad kid” role is at least something that’s familiar, if not
comfortable. Sometimes I wonder how much digging it’s going to take
to get down to this kid’s original positive intentions, but I
remind myself that he never wanted to do poorly and make everyone
angry. Unfortunately, this is not an isolated occurrence. I have
seen and heard of many similar situations that could have been
avoided if we looked harder for the positive intent in each child
or person.
The challenge that I would like to extend to my fellow community
members is to always try and find the positive intent within your
fellow human beings. I have found that engaging in this practice —
and it DOES take practice — helps avoid personalization and
feelings of blame. At the same time, the basic principle of
assuming positive intent in everyone, no matter how distorted or
buried it might be, automatically improves communication and
empathy.
Alyce Duckworth is a licensed clinical social worker who
supervises Arapahoe/Douglas Mental Health Network’s Prince Street
Academy day treatment program. She can be reached at aduckwo@admhn.org. For more
information about mental health issues please call Arapahoe/Douglas
Mental Health Network at 303 730 8858 or visit admhn.org.